I still remember sitting around a crackling bonfire at camp as a friend encouraged me to wait for my soulmate. I was all torn up because I thought I was going to die alone — at thirteen. He encouraged me by explaining (very convincingly) that there is just one person out there for everyone. You will meet them, then you will know. This really played harmony with the love-obsessed movies and music playing in my adolescent brain, so I adopted it as my worldview. I was waiting for my soulmate…the fireworks…the symphony to swell up when our eyes first met. Everyone on earth has a soulmate. It’s so simple.

After years of passionate prayer, it finally happened! I fell madly in love with my soulmate. It was love, so she had to be the one, right? But then she broke up with me. Then I broke up with my next soulmate. Then the cycle continued. I would develop head-over-heels feelings, then those feelings would fade away. I kept thinking I had met my soulmate, then we kept breaking up. What was I doing wrong? Every relationship ended in heartbreak, sad songs, and a bag of candy.

I had to swallow the truth and realize that I had been wrong about the whole soulmate thing. Let’s take this apart logically. What happens if just one person marries the wrong person? Then their perfect person marries the wrong person, then those people’s perfect people marry the wrong people too. And BOOM. With one mistake, a young couple has thrown off the entire romantic future of all mankind. It just doesn’t make sense. God’s plans for our relationship health and happiness can’t start with an obsessive hunt for “the one.”

Disney movies have conditioned us to think that our lives will hit perfect harmony when we discover the right person for us. We imagine locking eyes with this handsome prince or pretty princess, then our whole world falls into perfect order. We can convince ourselves that finding the right person will bring happiness to our hearts, harmony to our homes, and help cure some ancient curse that turned a prince into a beast. Okay, maybe not that last one.

Don’t fall for the same loose logic that I did. Stop trying to find love like it’s something to be discovered. When you convince yourself that “the one” is going to come into your life and change everything, then you are putting far too much pressure on one person — who is not God. You are inevitably setting that person up for failure. No matter how great they are, they aren’t perfect. They will fall short. They will make mistakes. They can’t be held responsible for completing you. God is the only one who can offer you complete healing, true joy, fulfilling purpose and perfect love. Allow God to help you grow into a healthier, godlier ‘you’ so you can enter your next relationship with personal and spiritual maturity.

Before you start dating, really take a look at who you are and who you are becoming. Don’t just try to discover the right person, strive to develop into the right person.

Focus on development, not just discovery.

READ: James 1:23-25
Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

It’s not about who you are looking for, rather it’s about who you are becoming in your own life. Listen to the advice of James, the brother of Jesus. When he is writing to the church, he encourages them to take a long look into the mirror. Take a close look at yourself then take an even closer look at the Word of God. Are you developing into the person God wants you to be? Are you growing closer to Jesus each day? Is the Bible changing your behavior? Stop looking for the one and start becoming the one.

When you feel like you are ready to start pursuing dating or relationships, start with self- discovery. Take an honest look at yourself and take an inventory of your spiritual maturity. It’s easy to date for validation, but you can find your identity in who God says you are. It’s convenient to date because that’s what everyone else is doing, but do you truly feel like you’re ready for this emotional and spiritual commitment? Most people date the way everyone else dates, but are you ready to build a relationship that reflects God?

Fight the urge to spend your time searching for the perfect person. Instead, look inwardly at yourself. Grow closer to God. Become more secure in who He says you are. Heal your heart through His forgiveness and restoration. Let God transform and mature you into someone who is ready for a healthy, God-honoring relationship.

Seize your single season. Leverage this time to know yourself better and grow your faith deeper. Your next relationship will be stronger, because you are stronger.

TALK IT OUT
Q1: Who’s the most die-hard romantic you know? How do they talk about dating/love?
Q2: What do people often expect their significant others to bring into their lives that can really only come from God and themselves?
Q3: What happens when you depend on a significant other to fix everything in your life?
Q4: Have you been spending more time looking outwardly for the one, or reflecting inwardly to grow into the one?
Q5: Where do you think God wants you to be emotionally, spiritually and personally when you enter a relationship?
Q6: Pick one hole in your life that you’ve been believing a significant other would eventually fill or make better. What can you focus on to begin to allow God to heal/fill you in that area right now?