Having a crush makes people do crazy things. We sacrifice sleep while staying up late to talk. We go broke trying to buy the perfect gift for our twenty-two day anniversary. We go crazy analyzing every word of a confusing text they just sent. It’s both captivating and confusing. Why do we feel this way? Thanks to science, we can actually better understand our feelings of attraction.

The brain’s initial response to attraction is adrenaline. This quirky hormone floods your body with cortisol and serotonin, which are the body’s natural stress response. They trigger your flight-or-fight reaction, which makes you obsess over the person or avoid them entirely — sometimes it’s a weird mixture. This is why you end up being a nervous wreck when you talk to your crush. You want to make a great impression, but you can’t stop sweating and feeling like you want to throw up. It’s no wonder that Beyonce sang about being crazy in love — that’s kind of what’s happening.

In high school, I started talking to this girl. You know how it goes. Short conversations turn into cheesy texts that turn into long, deep conversations about the afterlife and pizza toppings. It moved freakishly fast. She was really starting to like me. Due to the adrenaline, I gave every response and conversation compulsive analysis. I didn’t want to mess it up, so I sculpted every reply like the thesis statement of a semester final. One day, she asked me what my hobbies were. My gut reaction was to say, “cooking, going to shows, and playing the banjo.”

Context: I don’t play the banjo. I just thought it’d impress her and we’d move forward. It wasn’t so simple. For some reason, she was really interested in the last piece of my reply. We spent days talking about my banjo skills. I kept foolishly lying my way through it — talking about bluegrass bands, my history with the instrument, and plucking the banjo on my front porch. Finally, after she asked if I would play for her, I went to the music store and browsed the banjos. Once I saw the price tags, I never spoke to her again.

I was literally about to try to drop three paychecks and learn how to play an instrument overnight because I was trying to impress someone I barely knew. Unfortunately, people pretend when they’re trying to impress someone. It’s possible to fall for someone who is a stranger. Believe it or not, there is actually a bizarre Bible story about something even more serious — marrying a stranger.

READ: Genesis 29:16-25
Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.” So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.

When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”

Okay, that was weird, right? There are a few characters to introduce here. First, there is Leah, the older sister who had weak eyes. This doesn’t mean she had bad eyesight. In ancient writing, this meant that she wasn’t conventionally attractive. I know, kind of rude. On the flip side, her younger sister (Rachel) was absolutely beautiful. Rachel caught Jacob’s eye and he wanted to marry her on the spot. For context, Jacob was running from his professional-hunter brother after the whole birthright incident; he was afraid of getting murdered. I can assume he thought that this relationship was the remedy to all his problems, which clearly ends bizarrely and badly for him. This is the danger of dating with the wrong motives. Relationships won’t fix your problems, they won’t make you feel better about yourself, and they won’t save you from your situation.

Here are three dangers of dating when you’re not ready.
You Compromise
In ancient Judaea, marriage was a contract between families. People would often be like, “I want to marry your daughter, here is three-hundred sheep” or something like that. Thus, Jacob was ready to make a deal when he met Rachel’s father. Without even weighing the costs, he agreed to seven years of manual labor just to win this girl’s hand in marriage. He hadn’t spoken to her for seven minutes, but he was agreeing to work for seven years for her. This is a ludicrously long time for someone he hadn’t even went on a date with. He was so desperate that he rushed and compromised. What does that mean for us? The quickest way to end up with the wrong person is to rush.
Wait until you actually know the person before pursuing a relationship. Science suggests that feelings of infatuation can last for months, but they will certainly go away. You don’t want to try to build an entire relationship on something as fleeting as a first impression. Ensure they’re who they seem to be. Not only do you want to establish that your connection is actually sustainable, you also want to truly know them.
Here are some questions to ask before dating someone:
How do they respond to stress?
How do they respond to anger?
How do they treat your friends?
How do they treat their family?
Do they love Jesus?
Do they treat others well?

Honestly take inventory of them as a person, this will help protect you from heartbreak. Especially study how they treat you in the context of your physical boundaries. Do they try to push your physical boundaries? God does not set up sexual boundaries because he wants to control you, He just wants to protect you. He doesn’t want you to be hurt or get hurt. This is a major test of a person’s character. If someone sins with you, then they’ll likely sin against you.

You Become Demanding
Jacob proclaims, “give me my wife!” He was demanding this person as a reward for his work. Sure, you have never done this, but we often act as though we deserve something as a reward in relationships. This is like a couple is fighting and one screams, “After all I did for you?” What are they doing? They’re treating kindness like a contract, but it’s not. You should do good things just because you want the best for your partner, not because you expect something in return.

Unhealthy relationships don’t just demand rewards, they also demand unrealistic expectations of each other. I’m sure you’ve met someone who thought it was their girlfriend’s job to make them happy. Or they thought it was their boyfriend’s job to ensure they never felt lonely. You can’t expect someone to meet all your needs — especially emotional needs. Why? Because it’s not their job. That’s between them and Jesus. When you do this, you are putting your relationship on the path to dissatisfaction.

You Will Be Dissatisfied
You saw how dissatisfied Jacob was when he laid his eyes on Leah. His dangerous path through dating lead to dissatisfaction. We often think that a relationship will fix our situation, but it may make things worse. Dating has a weird way of distilling our emotions and making them stronger — especially the difficult ones. Tough times will come. You will experience conflict. You can endure the hard times when you ensure your expectations are healthy.

A girl/guy is not going to fix your loneliness. Learn to experience and enjoy the presence of God first.
People can’t bring you permanent happiness. Seek the joy of Jesus first. Relationships won’t make you feel less broken. Discover healing and restoration in Jesus first. Dating won’t take away your problems, it’ll only distract you from them. Eventually the pain is going to reappear. Please present your pain to God today.

Finding true love is rewarding, but it’s not a reward within itself. Unrealistic expectations are the formula for failure. No one person is going to bring you fulfillment, happiness, peace, or purpose in themselves. You must find fulfillment in your own life in Jesus first, then commit to doing life with another person with Jesus at the center of your relationship.

Let’s fast-forwasrd to the end of this story. In verse 35, we see that Jacob and Leah actually had a son together. His name was “Judah. His name literally meant “to praise.” Despite all the dysfunction Leah endured, she praised God. Leah knew that her approval was not found in her husband, it was found in God. This son is very important, because Jesus came from the tribe of Judah. Over seven hundred years before Jesus walked on the earth, God was bringing redemption for all mankind through this rough relationship. Even when dating leads to dissatisfaction or discouragement, God will redeem it.

TALK IT OUT
Q1: What silly lie have you told to impress someone?
Q2: Name the couple in your life with the most solid, long-lasting relationship you’ve ever seen. How do they treat each other? What seems to hold them together?
Q3: Jacob was not ready to be in a relationship so he compromised, rushed and was dissatisfied. How do you see the same story play out among your friends who are dating?
Q4: What are some of the most important questions to ask someone when you’re getting to know them as a potential partner? What kind of answers do you hope to hear to those questions?
Q5: What’s one thing you learned about relationships from this study of Jacob and Leah?
Q6: Commit to praying every day this week to ask God to help you and your future spouse to be growing into the people he created you to be.